Well my third and final attempt at IVF has failed. I am so devastated right now. My husband traveled for business and was not here. He claims I said it was okay. It really doesn't matter he needs to keep his job and so he needs to travel.
I can no longer throw money at a dream that I am pretty sure will never come true now. I have to say I am very blessed to have my daughters and I am thankful for them everyday of my life. It rips my heart apart knowing that there will be no more babies for me. I am not ready for this. I was praying and hoping this would work. I truely believe it does not matter how many procedures I could go through they will not work. I believe something is wrong with me that can't be fixed. I don't think I can have anymore children. This is very hard for me to say. It is devastating I always wanted more kids. The girls would do so much better with a sibling or two. I am just going to have to move forward.
I would love to adopt seeing as I have adopting sibling and love them so much. My husband does not want to. I think we are going to have a good number of fights over then next few months about this. Before I bring the subject up again, I am going to be armed with a lot of information and better able to voice my viewpoint.
Right now though I am grieving for the lost of what might have been. The lost of feeling another child grow and move in me. The lost of knowing I would have more children.
I don't think it is right in a world where we are financially able and emotionally able to love a raise another child or two and we will not be able to have our own. It is just not right but as I tell my students and own children "Life is not fair, deal with it." It just sucks when you have to.
I would just to make one request, please don't tell me miracles happen everyday. I know that I just think this miracle that I wanted to happen is not going to. Also don't tell me the number of people that have had a period and then found out they were pregnant. I know it happens everyday, just not to me. It is very sucky and it is what it is. I am not going to hold out hope for something so remote that it really would just be worse later. I need to deal with the pain, grief and move on. I have two little girls who deserve a mother who loves them and it is not focused on what she can't have but focus on what she has. It is just hurts like hell to get there.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Friday, July 2, 2010
Dream Job farewell!!!
Well I can't believe after years of talking about it I got a dream job offer. Of course I had to turn it down.
I have always wanted to be a wedding planner. I love weddings and planning events for our family. I think I am good at it too. Normally if there is a shower I do most of the planning. I just love to do it. I love everything weddings, even though it will be 10 years in November that I was married to my wonderful husband.
We have friends that have been together for ten years and finally got married. I got to step in and act as their wedding planner for the big day. They did all the planning I just made sure everything went smoothly. That included my announcing the wedding party. Sorry if I mispronounced anyone's name. I really enjoyed it and I loved watch them enjoy their day. I feel it is important hopefully they will only be married once and they will be able to look back fondly on all their memories.
Well the lady at the venue said to me, if you ever want a job let me know. I would hire you. Then she later told the bride the same thing. I would love to do it but I know that it would me not being around my kids most of the time. I couldn't do that and not be a teacher. We really couldn't afford that, especially since I carry our healthy insurance. So for now I have to let that dream job go. I did enjoy doing it though. I wouldn't mind being a wedding/event planner part time. Especially if I could pick when I worked. It is just not feasible in this economy to start an event planning service. People are cutting back the first thing they are going to do without at their wedding is an event planner. Who knows maybe one day a better offer will come by and I might get to live out my dreams of being an event planner and a teacher. Until then I am going to cherish every moment I have with my girls.
I can't believe that I have given up a dream job but in the long run I would not be happy be away from my girls in the evenings and every weekend. Maybe a time will come where I can do that and stay home during the day. Probably not likely though. I better stick with teaching. I do love to teach and watch my students succeed in life. I guess for now that will be it for me.
I have always wanted to be a wedding planner. I love weddings and planning events for our family. I think I am good at it too. Normally if there is a shower I do most of the planning. I just love to do it. I love everything weddings, even though it will be 10 years in November that I was married to my wonderful husband.
We have friends that have been together for ten years and finally got married. I got to step in and act as their wedding planner for the big day. They did all the planning I just made sure everything went smoothly. That included my announcing the wedding party. Sorry if I mispronounced anyone's name. I really enjoyed it and I loved watch them enjoy their day. I feel it is important hopefully they will only be married once and they will be able to look back fondly on all their memories.
Well the lady at the venue said to me, if you ever want a job let me know. I would hire you. Then she later told the bride the same thing. I would love to do it but I know that it would me not being around my kids most of the time. I couldn't do that and not be a teacher. We really couldn't afford that, especially since I carry our healthy insurance. So for now I have to let that dream job go. I did enjoy doing it though. I wouldn't mind being a wedding/event planner part time. Especially if I could pick when I worked. It is just not feasible in this economy to start an event planning service. People are cutting back the first thing they are going to do without at their wedding is an event planner. Who knows maybe one day a better offer will come by and I might get to live out my dreams of being an event planner and a teacher. Until then I am going to cherish every moment I have with my girls.
I can't believe that I have given up a dream job but in the long run I would not be happy be away from my girls in the evenings and every weekend. Maybe a time will come where I can do that and stay home during the day. Probably not likely though. I better stick with teaching. I do love to teach and watch my students succeed in life. I guess for now that will be it for me.
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