Life changes and my baby girl!!!!

I have been struggling for a while know with a lot of changes in our lives. I left teaching and I am still trying to find the right path for me. I am currently working three jobs to try and help us make ends meet. Even with the struggles financially though I have never been happier in my life. I do miss my students though. They were my motivation and miss seeing them everyday and watching them reach the goals and dreams. On a more personal front we knew at the end of last year that my baby girl was struggling in school. I have known for a while that she struggled to read. Having twins it is way too easy to compare there. Baby girl though has been behind consistently for a while. At the end of last year we have started discussing testing and maybe she has a learning difference. So true to my fashion I hoped on the internet to research what was going on. There has always been one learning difference that has been on the forefront of my mind and that is dyslexia. I have a cousin who has it and I know that it is genetic. So I was doing research but sometimes just looking on the internet is not a great research, talk about too much information. My hubby was also doing the same thing and independent of each other we both reached the same conclusion that we think this is how she learns. A lot of things make sense for her. The problem for us it that in this great state of Michigan some politicians passed a law stating that Dyslexia is not a learning disability but a medical condition. So schools no longer have to test for dyslexia. Really!!!! Don't get me started on that rant I will never get off of it. So we are going to have to pay to have her tested. Granted I can write to the school and say I want her tested for a reading issues. They would come into her classroom observe her look at her grades and the standardized tests and guess what will not qualify for help or services because she is performing at grade level never mind that she works three times as long as most students in her class just to make sure she has it. So I really don't want to waste the few resources the school has and she wouldn't get any help anyways. So now back to trying to find the right person to diagnosis my girlie. Lots of research and finding that there are really very few people who do this. It surprises me since many stats say that 1 in 5 people have dyslexia. I keep hearing that stat over and over and over. Why is there so little out there to help people. In this process of research my fearless leader at temple where I teach Sunday School told me about a showing of the movie "The Big Picture: Rethinking Dyslexia." I decided I wanted to go and see it. Now this is a documentary that I really believe everyone should see whether or not you know someone with dyslexia and believe me you most likely do. I have been very down lately seeing I am not sure how we are going to afford the testing and then all the tutoring and help that comes after being diagnosed but seeing the movie I walked away feeling better and more motivated to make sure baby girl gets the testing done and if that means no more new clothes for me for another year or staying with a cell phone that does not have data and minimal minutes and texts, than that is what I will do to make sure she gets what she needs. I want to say a big Thank you to James Redford (not that I think he would read this) for making this documentary. I really want baby girl and our family to see it. It makes me believe what I have always thought that she can do anything she wants. It might just take a little longer for her to get there. I have to say that I am so proud of all the hard work my baby has done to keep herself up where she belongs but I know something is going on and if we don't nip it in the bud now she will get frustrated more and more as school goes on. I am hoping very soon to start the process of testing for her and make sure she gets everything she needs to be successful. I hate that we live in a world where parents have to figure out where they will find money to get their kids tested so that they can be successful in life. I also feel awful for all those parents that just can't do it for their kids and they struggle in school and get discouraged and feel a lack of self worth all because something could easily have been diagnosed and addressed. It is not a disability but a difference. I also feel awful for how unprepared I was for this. I am teacher with a Master's degree in Education and yet I am at a loss right now for how to help my daughter. That is really sad. Why is it we left politicians decide what testing the schools can do and what parents have to pay for out of pocket? For many families in Michigan they just don't have the money. I know we will figure it out. It is just a matter of time to figure where they money will come from. I will not allow my child to fall behind because I am not working a full time job at the moment. My hope that will change soon but right now I can only plan on what I have at the moment, which is three very part time jobs. Hopefully soon I will be able to post all the awesome things that my girls are doing and how baby girl is soaring to new heights but I am sure it will come with many battles I am going to have to fight to make sure she is being allowed to reach her full potential. The one thing I know for sure is that I am truly blessed with two wonderful girls and I am thankful for them everyday of my life.

Last embryo transfer!

Well I have not posted in a while because of everything going on but I am about to head in for my final embryo transfer whatever survives the thaw will go in. I am doing in the normal way not surgically, like the last one. It didn't work so there is no reason to do it again besides I really didn't have enough zygotes for that. I had one treatment of acupuncture. It may or may not of helped but it can't hurt. It really was not that bad. I am happy about that. The idea of putting little needles in me was kind of scary but I have heard of a lot of research that says it seems to help if the person is experienced with infertility. If this doesn't work I am going to probably have regular acupuncture treatments for a couple of months and see if we can conceive on our own. Even our fertility specialist says we should be able too. I am just praying this works. I am not getting any younger and I want to have another child and then get off the fertility bandwagon and on with life. So much of my life has revolved around trying to get pregnant that for me it would be nice not to have to identify as infertile all the time but I know part of me will always discuss it with those that are struggling with infertility. I think more people need to talk about it so that it is not like a dirty secret. It is part of how I was made and one of the challenges I must face in my life. It does not make me less of a women or a person just because I have trouble conceiving. I am beautiful and fully a women, it has taken years to feel that way but I think now I am in a point in my life where I am comfortable in my skin. I do not feel less of a women because I can't get pregnant. I can still love and mother any child. Just because the child may or may not come from my body doesn't make a difference. Obviously being a teacher at times I work to let my students see the parent side so that they may have a better understanding of their parents or in the classroom I have to redirect behavior even with highschoolers so I guess I never stop being a parent. I am ready to move forward I just hope that it is with another child very soon. Please pray that the doctor will be able to do this and that one embryo takes and we will be blessed with another child.

Failure again :-(

Well my third and final attempt at IVF has failed. I am so devastated right now. My husband traveled for business and was not here. He claims I said it was okay. It really doesn't matter he needs to keep his job and so he needs to travel.

I can no longer throw money at a dream that I am pretty sure will never come true now. I have to say I am very blessed to have my daughters and I am thankful for them everyday of my life. It rips my heart apart knowing that there will be no more babies for me. I am not ready for this. I was praying and hoping this would work. I truely believe it does not matter how many procedures I could go through they will not work. I believe something is wrong with me that can't be fixed. I don't think I can have anymore children. This is very hard for me to say. It is devastating I always wanted more kids. The girls would do so much better with a sibling or two. I am just going to have to move forward.

I would love to adopt seeing as I have adopting sibling and love them so much. My husband does not want to. I think we are going to have a good number of fights over then next few months about this. Before I bring the subject up again, I am going to be armed with a lot of information and better able to voice my viewpoint.

Right now though I am grieving for the lost of what might have been. The lost of feeling another child grow and move in me. The lost of knowing I would have more children.

I don't think it is right in a world where we are financially able and emotionally able to love a raise another child or two and we will not be able to have our own. It is just not right but as I tell my students and own children "Life is not fair, deal with it." It just sucks when you have to.

I would just to make one request, please don't tell me miracles happen everyday. I know that I just think this miracle that I wanted to happen is not going to. Also don't tell me the number of people that have had a period and then found out they were pregnant. I know it happens everyday, just not to me. It is very sucky and it is what it is. I am not going to hold out hope for something so remote that it really would just be worse later. I need to deal with the pain, grief and move on. I have two little girls who deserve a mother who loves them and it is not focused on what she can't have but focus on what she has. It is just hurts like hell to get there.

Welcome to my crazy life!!!!

I wanted to start this blog to write about the issues I and my family face all the time. I know we are not the only ones. I also am using as a place to vent and work through some of the major issues in my life.

I am a mother to a wonderful and amazing set of 5 year old twin girls. I will be married for 10 years in November. My husband is wonderful and amazing. He treats me like a princess and is a huge supporter of me and our family.

I am also a teacher. I have taught for over 5 years now in a variety of settings, thanks to the Michigan economy. I am really hoping to stay put for a while. I hate moving around. I am certified to teach grades 6-12 Social studies and English. I also teach at our Temple's religious school on Sunday mornings. I find it enjoyable and helps keep my spark for teaching.

In what little spare time I have I love to knit, sew, read, watch t.v. and spend time with my family and friends. I have been wonderfully supported by my family and friends and I am extremely grateful for their support, love and understanding.

I would love to have more children but I am at the point in my life where I am not sure that will happen. We have had numerous failed IUI's and IVF's. The last one ended in an etopic pregnancy and my having to have laposcopic surgery to remove my tube and the fetus. This just happened and I am still dealing with and processing this event. My girls are five and I never wanted the age gap between my kids to be this big. I desperately would love to have another child but I am just not sure that will be possible.

I am in a spot in my life where I am wondering where we are going. I am a mother who has always wanted children. I wanted four kids for a very long time. Now I would just like one more healthy child to add to our family. I don't understand sometimes how good people who would be wonderful and caring parents go without being able to conceive and someone who doesn't really want the kid or can't take care of it gets one. I know they help. I have known many single parents who are wonderful and their child helped them become better people. What about those poor abused kids. My heart breaks for them. I wish I could convince my husband to adopt just one child who can not be taken care of by their parent and prevent them from having an unhappy childhood.

I guess I have wondered on for too long. I am hoping to use this blog to post about my life and hopefully inspire other women who deal with some of the same issues I do.