Well my third and final attempt at IVF has failed. I am so devastated right now. My husband traveled for business and was not here. He claims I said it was okay. It really doesn't matter he needs to keep his job and so he needs to travel.
I can no longer throw money at a dream that I am pretty sure will never come true now. I have to say I am very blessed to have my daughters and I am thankful for them everyday of my life. It rips my heart apart knowing that there will be no more babies for me. I am not ready for this. I was praying and hoping this would work. I truely believe it does not matter how many procedures I could go through they will not work. I believe something is wrong with me that can't be fixed. I don't think I can have anymore children. This is very hard for me to say. It is devastating I always wanted more kids. The girls would do so much better with a sibling or two. I am just going to have to move forward.
I would love to adopt seeing as I have adopting sibling and love them so much. My husband does not want to. I think we are going to have a good number of fights over then next few months about this. Before I bring the subject up again, I am going to be armed with a lot of information and better able to voice my viewpoint.
Right now though I am grieving for the lost of what might have been. The lost of feeling another child grow and move in me. The lost of knowing I would have more children.
I don't think it is right in a world where we are financially able and emotionally able to love a raise another child or two and we will not be able to have our own. It is just not right but as I tell my students and own children "Life is not fair, deal with it." It just sucks when you have to.
I would just to make one request, please don't tell me miracles happen everyday. I know that I just think this miracle that I wanted to happen is not going to. Also don't tell me the number of people that have had a period and then found out they were pregnant. I know it happens everyday, just not to me. It is very sucky and it is what it is. I am not going to hold out hope for something so remote that it really would just be worse later. I need to deal with the pain, grief and move on. I have two little girls who deserve a mother who loves them and it is not focused on what she can't have but focus on what she has. It is just hurts like hell to get there.
The thing about miracles is that they are never planned. We are not in charge of how or when they happen....no matter what we think. We can't 'create' them. MY miracle was that a family came together from the four corners of the earth for me. Yours is something very different. Yours WILL be something different. Just stop and smell the roses...enjoy the two miracles you have already been blessed with. They won't 'do better with a sibling.' They already have a sibling....and cousins and aunts and uncles...THEIR family. It's perfect....and incredibly lucky for all of us.
ReplyDeleteI wish I had more comforting words for you, something that would ease your pain and empty heart...but know that there are many people thinking of you and hoping for peace and love & a feeling of being complete for you and your family.
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