Failure again :-(

Well my third and final attempt at IVF has failed. I am so devastated right now. My husband traveled for business and was not here. He claims I said it was okay. It really doesn't matter he needs to keep his job and so he needs to travel.

I can no longer throw money at a dream that I am pretty sure will never come true now. I have to say I am very blessed to have my daughters and I am thankful for them everyday of my life. It rips my heart apart knowing that there will be no more babies for me. I am not ready for this. I was praying and hoping this would work. I truely believe it does not matter how many procedures I could go through they will not work. I believe something is wrong with me that can't be fixed. I don't think I can have anymore children. This is very hard for me to say. It is devastating I always wanted more kids. The girls would do so much better with a sibling or two. I am just going to have to move forward.

I would love to adopt seeing as I have adopting sibling and love them so much. My husband does not want to. I think we are going to have a good number of fights over then next few months about this. Before I bring the subject up again, I am going to be armed with a lot of information and better able to voice my viewpoint.

Right now though I am grieving for the lost of what might have been. The lost of feeling another child grow and move in me. The lost of knowing I would have more children.

I don't think it is right in a world where we are financially able and emotionally able to love a raise another child or two and we will not be able to have our own. It is just not right but as I tell my students and own children "Life is not fair, deal with it." It just sucks when you have to.

I would just to make one request, please don't tell me miracles happen everyday. I know that I just think this miracle that I wanted to happen is not going to. Also don't tell me the number of people that have had a period and then found out they were pregnant. I know it happens everyday, just not to me. It is very sucky and it is what it is. I am not going to hold out hope for something so remote that it really would just be worse later. I need to deal with the pain, grief and move on. I have two little girls who deserve a mother who loves them and it is not focused on what she can't have but focus on what she has. It is just hurts like hell to get there.

Well finally my hcg level is below 5 and I no longer have to go back for blood tests. I was relieved to finally be there so my body can start to return to normal, but a sadness came over me when I got the phone call from the doctors office. I feel part of it is based on the sadness that that pregnancy is over sadly and part that my husband is traveling for business again this week. He does not travel a lot but when he does travel it seems to come in at one time. I am thankful and glad that he was home this weekend. We needed that time together.

I once again return to trying to juggle both mom and dad. I try to be everything to my girls. I give a lot of credit to all the single parents out there. I only have to do it a little bit at a time you do it every day with no end in sight. I have been blessed with family and friends who support me and help out. If this was an everyday thing I don't know that I would have all the support I do. For example my friend would not want to send her children over once a week to spend the night and help me out. Also my in laws would not want to take me out to dinner once a week if I was a single parent. I am very thankful for all the help though, especially right now. I just seemed a little sad lately. I know that it is to be understood but it is not who I am as a person so I am still trying to figure it out.

I had a wonderful Mother's day though. It was greatly needed. I have to say there is nothing like have family over to lift ones spirit. It was nice to be surround by those I love and to relax and eat a good meal together. I had most of our family over and it was wonderful and everyone got a long so well. I know it is strange that it happened but it was a great time and great food.

I had a busy weekend but it is not really slowing down anytime soon. We have a year of weddings this year. We will see how I survive all the showers and big events. I should start socking away money for all the babysitting.

I am hoping this week goes by quickly. I can not wait to be on summer vacation. Of course it will be full of lesson plans and trying to get in quality time with my kids.