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Vacation and life

Well I haven't posted for a while a lot has been going on. We went on vacation to St. Louis, Missouri. We loved and the girls loved it. We lucky to be able to stay with my in laws in a time share they got. It was nice. We did a lot the botanical gardens, zoo, science museum, Arch and Magic House (kids hands on museum). Besides spending a day at wineries. It was great. We didn't want to leave.

Now that we are home I am trying to focus on the fact that I have to find away for us to pay for an adoption. We are definitely moving in that direction. We have a meeting next week, that is an informational meeting with an agency in the area. For us it is hard to find an agency to work with because we are Jewish and most of the agencies in the area are Christian based and will only place in a Christian home. I wish the JCC still did adoptions it would make it easier for us. I have contacted most of the people I know that have adopted to try and get ideas on who to use and what to look for in an agency. After all the time we spent trying the infertility treatments. I want a child. I also know that I would have been due the end of November and if we haven't moved down this road, November is going to be really hard. Maybe it won't be so bad. I know that eventually we will have a child it is just going to take sometime.

I can't wait until the day that I get to hold our new child in my arms. All of this will be worth it. I am just going to have to be patient. Something that is never been my strong suit.

So for now I am trying to gather up as much information that I can and try to figure out how we can save more money. Hopefully it will all work out soon.

Failure again :-(

Well my third and final attempt at IVF has failed. I am so devastated right now. My husband traveled for business and was not here. He claims I said it was okay. It really doesn't matter he needs to keep his job and so he needs to travel.

I can no longer throw money at a dream that I am pretty sure will never come true now. I have to say I am very blessed to have my daughters and I am thankful for them everyday of my life. It rips my heart apart knowing that there will be no more babies for me. I am not ready for this. I was praying and hoping this would work. I truely believe it does not matter how many procedures I could go through they will not work. I believe something is wrong with me that can't be fixed. I don't think I can have anymore children. This is very hard for me to say. It is devastating I always wanted more kids. The girls would do so much better with a sibling or two. I am just going to have to move forward.

I would love to adopt seeing as I have adopting sibling and love them so much. My husband does not want to. I think we are going to have a good number of fights over then next few months about this. Before I bring the subject up again, I am going to be armed with a lot of information and better able to voice my viewpoint.

Right now though I am grieving for the lost of what might have been. The lost of feeling another child grow and move in me. The lost of knowing I would have more children.

I don't think it is right in a world where we are financially able and emotionally able to love a raise another child or two and we will not be able to have our own. It is just not right but as I tell my students and own children "Life is not fair, deal with it." It just sucks when you have to.

I would just to make one request, please don't tell me miracles happen everyday. I know that I just think this miracle that I wanted to happen is not going to. Also don't tell me the number of people that have had a period and then found out they were pregnant. I know it happens everyday, just not to me. It is very sucky and it is what it is. I am not going to hold out hope for something so remote that it really would just be worse later. I need to deal with the pain, grief and move on. I have two little girls who deserve a mother who loves them and it is not focused on what she can't have but focus on what she has. It is just hurts like hell to get there.

Dream Job farewell!!!

Well I can't believe after years of talking about it I got a dream job offer. Of course I had to turn it down.

I have always wanted to be a wedding planner. I love weddings and planning events for our family. I think I am good at it too. Normally if there is a shower I do most of the planning. I just love to do it. I love everything weddings, even though it will be 10 years in November that I was married to my wonderful husband.

We have friends that have been together for ten years and finally got married. I got to step in and act as their wedding planner for the big day. They did all the planning I just made sure everything went smoothly. That included my announcing the wedding party. Sorry if I mispronounced anyone's name. I really enjoyed it and I loved watch them enjoy their day. I feel it is important hopefully they will only be married once and they will be able to look back fondly on all their memories.

Well the lady at the venue said to me, if you ever want a job let me know. I would hire you. Then she later told the bride the same thing. I would love to do it but I know that it would me not being around my kids most of the time. I couldn't do that and not be a teacher. We really couldn't afford that, especially since I carry our healthy insurance. So for now I have to let that dream job go. I did enjoy doing it though. I wouldn't mind being a wedding/event planner part time. Especially if I could pick when I worked. It is just not feasible in this economy to start an event planning service. People are cutting back the first thing they are going to do without at their wedding is an event planner. Who knows maybe one day a better offer will come by and I might get to live out my dreams of being an event planner and a teacher. Until then I am going to cherish every moment I have with my girls.

I can't believe that I have given up a dream job but in the long run I would not be happy be away from my girls in the evenings and every weekend. Maybe a time will come where I can do that and stay home during the day. Probably not likely though. I better stick with teaching. I do love to teach and watch my students succeed in life. I guess for now that will be it for me.

Well finally my hcg level is below 5 and I no longer have to go back for blood tests. I was relieved to finally be there so my body can start to return to normal, but a sadness came over me when I got the phone call from the doctors office. I feel part of it is based on the sadness that that pregnancy is over sadly and part that my husband is traveling for business again this week. He does not travel a lot but when he does travel it seems to come in at one time. I am thankful and glad that he was home this weekend. We needed that time together.

I once again return to trying to juggle both mom and dad. I try to be everything to my girls. I give a lot of credit to all the single parents out there. I only have to do it a little bit at a time you do it every day with no end in sight. I have been blessed with family and friends who support me and help out. If this was an everyday thing I don't know that I would have all the support I do. For example my friend would not want to send her children over once a week to spend the night and help me out. Also my in laws would not want to take me out to dinner once a week if I was a single parent. I am very thankful for all the help though, especially right now. I just seemed a little sad lately. I know that it is to be understood but it is not who I am as a person so I am still trying to figure it out.

I had a wonderful Mother's day though. It was greatly needed. I have to say there is nothing like have family over to lift ones spirit. It was nice to be surround by those I love and to relax and eat a good meal together. I had most of our family over and it was wonderful and everyone got a long so well. I know it is strange that it happened but it was a great time and great food.

I had a busy weekend but it is not really slowing down anytime soon. We have a year of weddings this year. We will see how I survive all the showers and big events. I should start socking away money for all the babysitting.

I am hoping this week goes by quickly. I can not wait to be on summer vacation. Of course it will be full of lesson plans and trying to get in quality time with my kids.

Welcome to my crazy life!!!!

I wanted to start this blog to write about the issues I and my family face all the time. I know we are not the only ones. I also am using as a place to vent and work through some of the major issues in my life.

I am a mother to a wonderful and amazing set of 5 year old twin girls. I will be married for 10 years in November. My husband is wonderful and amazing. He treats me like a princess and is a huge supporter of me and our family.

I am also a teacher. I have taught for over 5 years now in a variety of settings, thanks to the Michigan economy. I am really hoping to stay put for a while. I hate moving around. I am certified to teach grades 6-12 Social studies and English. I also teach at our Temple's religious school on Sunday mornings. I find it enjoyable and helps keep my spark for teaching.

In what little spare time I have I love to knit, sew, read, watch t.v. and spend time with my family and friends. I have been wonderfully supported by my family and friends and I am extremely grateful for their support, love and understanding.

I would love to have more children but I am at the point in my life where I am not sure that will happen. We have had numerous failed IUI's and IVF's. The last one ended in an etopic pregnancy and my having to have laposcopic surgery to remove my tube and the fetus. This just happened and I am still dealing with and processing this event. My girls are five and I never wanted the age gap between my kids to be this big. I desperately would love to have another child but I am just not sure that will be possible.

I am in a spot in my life where I am wondering where we are going. I am a mother who has always wanted children. I wanted four kids for a very long time. Now I would just like one more healthy child to add to our family. I don't understand sometimes how good people who would be wonderful and caring parents go without being able to conceive and someone who doesn't really want the kid or can't take care of it gets one. I know they help. I have known many single parents who are wonderful and their child helped them become better people. What about those poor abused kids. My heart breaks for them. I wish I could convince my husband to adopt just one child who can not be taken care of by their parent and prevent them from having an unhappy childhood.

I guess I have wondered on for too long. I am hoping to use this blog to post about my life and hopefully inspire other women who deal with some of the same issues I do.